


THE HUMPIN' BUMPIN' ROAD TRIP!

by FizzyGhostKing (faekingsdomain)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Ed-level swearing, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Road Trips, other ships that are rlly only mentioned in passing so im not tagging them, this is gonna be mostly funny w a lil bit of serious thrown in i hope i do well lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-22 19:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faekingsdomain/pseuds/FizzyGhostKing
Summary: Ling's dad keeps pressuring him to get a gf so he can get married etc sometime soon, the thing is, hes gay AF, so he gets his BFFL (Best Friend For Life)/roommate Ed to help him get his dad off his back by, you guessed it, fake dating.What could go wrong?Well let's see, as we follow these idiotic boys on the best/worst road trip ever.credit to my own bffl @my-life-as-a-teenage-titan on tumblr for the name, ilysm u fuckin memey dork!





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> im very new to this and this is my first fic so please be gentle w me, i would appreciate criticism/advice from more experienced writiers!!(CONSTRUCTIVE AND POLITE PLEASE)  
> this is just the first chapter and i know its short but i will most likely edit short chapters together to make longer ones once i write more?? again i'm very new to this so im unsure how to write things like.. smooth scene transitions lol  
> well anyway i hope you like it!! please comment if u have anything to say i'd greatly appreciate it!  
> thanl u to my firneds who helped be my first run throughs/beta readers etc y'all are awesome

_"Yeah, yes Dad, I underst- yes, yep, yeah I get it Dad, no yea- I- yes, yeah, yep, got it, yeah ok, I will, love you too-"_ Ling paused "he hung up on me, typical." He sighed, putting his phone back into his pocket.

"Who was that?" His roommate, Ed, asked from their living room.

"Just my dad." ling said, walking back and plopping down onto their shared couch, stealing some of Ed's popcorn and turning back to the shitty horror movie they chose that evening, _'chimps on a cruise ship'._

"What were- **HEY**!" He started, smacking the corn thief's hand away, "what were you talking about, anyway?" He asked, stuffing his face with the popped corny goodness.

Ling sighed (again) and slouched down in his seat "he keeps badgering me to find a _'nice girl to marry'_." He said, making air quotes with his hands.

"but you... You're GAY, dude..." Ed stated, confused.

"I keep telling him that!!" Ling exclaimed, throwing his arms up, "He doesn’t believe me because I "have no proof" apparently!" He huffed.

"Oh... well that’s.... kinda Shitty, my dude." Ed said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head, "What are you gonna do about it?"

"Dunno, not like I can pretend to date some poor girl- wait. I have an idea." He grinned.

"Oh no, I know that face." Ed grimaced, already worried about whatever crazy plan his friend had cooked up.

"No no listen it'll be great! I promise!" He assured unconvincingly.

_Oh no._

"What if we-"

_Oh god._

"pretended to be-"

**_Oh no._ **

"dating!!"

_Oh my **god**_

"And why is that at all a good idea?" Ed groaned, shoving his face into his hands.

Ling grinned,"'Cuz it'll get my dad off my back on finding a wife, AND finally prove to him I'm not kidding about the gay thing! Two birds with one stone!! plus, it can't be too hard, i mean we've known eachother forever, it cant be all that different" He explained, counting off his points on his fingers and shrugged.

Ed peeked out a bit from behind his hand, looking at Ling's-well, frankly _adorable_ \- excited face and sighed.  _he's impossible to say no to..._ "Alright, fine..."

"WAIT REALLY-" Ling started, eyes wide.

"IF! and only if! You do the dishes for a month!" He glared, pointing a finger to shush his Beaming Best Buddy.

"Awww, okay fine..." He said, pouting a bit before giving Ed a genuine smile, "Thanks Ed, it means a lot, really." he added, His smile warm and bright.

 _Like the goddamn sun._  Ed thought

Ed flushed and turned away, staring at the tv pretending to be interested by the cgi primates on the screen.  _seriously, these aren't even chimps, what the hell movie?_ "It's no big deal, long as you keep up your end of the deal, of course!" He said, trying not to give away how flustered he really was.

"AWWW EEED YOU'RE THE BESTEST FRIEND A GUY COULD HAVE~!" Ling (loudly) sing-songed and pulled Ed into a big hug, doing that weird thing he does where he rubs his face on you like a cat for some reason.

"GET OFFA ME YA WEIRDO, STOP RUBBIN' YOUR FACE ON ME!!" Ed complained, halfheartedly trying to pry him off before giving in.

 _Don't let yourself enjoy it too much, idiot._ He thought, a bit bitterly. _I_ _t's not like that and you know it._

"Can we just watch the damn monkey movie already!!" He all but yelled. Ling laughed a bit and let him go,

"yeah, fine, we can watch the stupid monkey movie. OH! CAN WE WATCH SHARKNADO NEXT?" He exclaimed excitedly, bouncing in his seat a bit, nearly making Ed drop his popcorn.

"Geez why do you love that movie so much, ya damn weirdo..." Ed said more than asked, already knowing the answer as he'd been forced to sit through the movie many times already.

"because it's so horrible its good, obviously." Ling explained, both of them settling back into their usual routine of poking fun, teasing, and stealing food from each other as the night went on, neither dwelling on the prior conversation too much for the rest of the night.

Though that peace was sure not to last long.

"Oh, by the way dad wants me to go back home in about a week, so we should probably do it then." he said, casual as could be like he was suggesting what they should get for dinner as he chewed on a mouthful of popcorn.

Ed promptly spat out the drink he was conveniently sipping, sputtering, "WAIT WHAT?!"


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK sorry this took a while y'all i was busy *cough*playingvideogames*cough* but this chapter is much longer and, hopefully, a bit better than the first!  
> also i want to just say so no one is confused, in this particular fic/au ed DOES NOT have any kind of automail/prosthetic/other arm/leg related problems bc 1: im new at this and im not quite ready to tackle something like that yet (i wanna do it respectfully and accurately ykno?) and 2: this fic is supposed to be mostly just goofy shenanigans and i feel like that would imply angst in a way? like i feel like if he had that then i would feel the need to go into why/how and this is just supposed ot be fun and comedy type stuff ykno? i hope that doesnt come off as disrespectful in any way i dont mean it like that at all!!! i will do that in another fic i have planned but tbh this is my "practice" fic really haha, well i just wanted to say that to clear it up so ppl can, like, imagine it better? anyway this is getting too long, so i hope you enjoy!

_"Oh, by the way dad wants me to go back home in about a week, so we should probably do it then."_

_Cue comedic spit-take._ "WAIT,  _WHAT?!_ " Ed said, dumbfounded, eyes wide, soda dripping from his chin and onto his (now wet) red shirt in a... kind of hilarious way, actually.  _cute._

Ling stared back, practically mirroring Ed's expression, absolutely covered in mouth soda. "Jesus, Ed what the hell? you got my snacks all soggy..." he paused, "oh, and me soggy too, actually. Ew." Ling said, picking at his sticky clothes and pulling a face. "jeez man, I didn’t think you'd freak out so much, I just have to go back home for some boring family stuff, it's no big deal, really." He reassured, putting a hand up in a placating manner, shifting in his seat to try to get more comfortable.

"You-you can't just spring that stuff on a guy so suddenly, though!" Ed said, setting his cup down on the coffee table in front of them and wiping his sticky face off with the sleeve of his shirt.

"What do you mean? You said you would help me out!!" Ling exclaimed, eyebrows furrowing, a bit worried Ed might back out.

"I just-I didn’t realize you meant IMMEDIATELY!! That really fuckin' short notice, dude!!!" Ed loudly 'explained', waving his arms around like a dumbass. "like obviously I'll still help you out, you just gotta give me more warning, jeez..." he grumbled, pouting. or is that glaring? ehh who can really tell.

 _'Oh good he's still gonna help...'_ Ling breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing back into his seat. "yeah, I guess you're right, but I don’t need to be there 'til next weekend anyway, and itssaturday, so no real rush there." he conceded. "plus, hey, why don’t we make it fun? we could drive and make it a road trip! That’s always fun, right?" He asked enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to do that, Don’t you think it'd be fun?" He added, hopeful.

"I don't know... Being stuck in a car with you for multiple days sounds like the opposite of fun..." Ed said skeptically, sitting forward and making a weird, scrunched up face at his couch-mate.

"...Edward, we live together." Ling stared back at him, giving him a 'dude, seriously?' face.

"hmmm... ok but, what's in it for me?" Ed asked, a mischievous look on his face.

"I already said I'd do the dishes if you helped me out, though..." Ling whined.

"yeah, sure. but I didn't realize it would be such short notice, gonna have to give me somethin' else to compensate, buddy." Ed countered, leaning back into the couch and crossing his arms over his chest, smirking.

"c'mon man now you're just bein' greedy...." Ling grumbled, slumping down a bit and putting on his patented sad puppy face, complete with quivering lip, as if he were about to cry.

Ed tried not to give in, he really did, but he's only one man, and you could see his resolve breaking. "...ok ok fine, we'll do the stupid road trip, but! you drive when I wanna take a nap." He declared, pretending like he had any real say in the matter.

_(when the puppy face c_ _omes_ _out you know you're doomed)_

_'_ _but you ALWAYS want to_ _nap_ _..._ _'_ Ling thought. "… fine, but _I_  get to choose the music!" He said, hes gotts get _something_ out of this too, right? 

"fine, even though your music taste sucks ass." Ed said, ignoring the indignant 'HEY!' That it prompted, "so, when should we leave? How long does it take to get there anyway? Wait," he paused, thinking. " ...where does your family even live?I've lived with you for like 5 years how the fuck do i not know this..." He mumbled, mostly to himself, entirely fucking confused.

"huh, guess it just never came up?" Ling mused, taping his chin with his index finger. "Anyway, they live out near LA, so it should take about 4 or 5 days if we stop at night." He explained "Which we'll be doing. since y'know, humans need sleep. and I don’t wanna die from exhaustion. As I will most likely be the only one driving, knowing you." He said, slowly accepting his fate of being a cross country chauffer to his very sleepy companion, who will take full advantage of their 'drive while I nap' agreement. 

"exactly, glad we're on the same page" he said, patting Ling's still kinda sticky, gross shoulder. Ew. "but that’s a long way to drive, why do you wanna do that, anyway?" He asked, discreetly wiping his hand on the pajama pants he was wearing.

"because im trying to put it off as long as possible...?" Ling grimaced, then continued. "I mean, I love my family, don't get me wrong, but they can be a bit... overwhelming sometimes." He said wearily.

Ed looked back at him, eyes wide. "you? Mr. 'never-ending-energy-sometimes-climbs-walls-for-fun', Overwhelmed? Am I dreaming? Did I hit my head? What??" Ed said unbelievingly, picking up on the chnage in mood at trying to lighten it.

"yeah well, I had to get my amazing personality from somewhere, you know." Ling said, gensturing in an 'oh look at me im so great' sort of way.

"oh yeah yeah, suuuure, totally amazing yeah totally super cool." Ed teased, cracking a smirk at his best friend.

"oh, shut up you jerk!" Ling laughed, playfully shoving Ed in the shoulder, both of them glad to be past the tense moment and back to their usual antics and just enjoying the moment, laughing and joking as the shitty monkey movie ended (finally) and they wound back down to normal.

Ling stopped laughing and grimaced. "...ok uh, I don't know about you, but I feel very gross and sticky, so we should probably change and clean up this mess." Ling said, gesturing to his soda-covered self and ruined bowl of popcorn that had somehow spilled on the floor in the midst of the chaos.

"yeah, probably a good idea, I feel... bad. This shirt is sticking to places I didn't even know existed." Ed agreed, lifting his arms to demonstrate the stickiness of the shirt, and by god was it sticky.

"then we can watch sharknado."

"yes, then we can watch sharknado, you big fuckin' dork." Ed chuckled, smiling back at his friend before getting up and peeling his sticky shirt off.

 _'_ _oh.'_  Ling thought, blushing a bit at the sight. _'well ok_ _then.'_  he tried no to stare (too obviously at least) and utterly failed, really he should be more used to it by now.  _'_ _just_ _don't stare too_ _much, man. You got this!'_  He assured himself, even though it was doing absolutely nothing to stop his stupid traitor eyes from doing whatever they wanted.

Ed, noticing how quiet Ling had become, gave him a weird look and walked to the kitchen, probably to grab some something to clean up the gross wet couch with. 

 _'_ _damn_ _it.'_ Ling cursed, as he, again, utterly failed at not staring. Can you really blame him though? I mean, damn. Hot diggity shit. I mean, really, wow. that back tho amiright?

He got up and, as basically all of him was gross, including his pj pants, he went into his room to change like a fucking _normal_ person.  _(_ _as if he doesn’t walk around shirtless at literally any_ _given_ _moment...)_  he stepped into his room, closed the door and changed out of his gross sugary clothes, finding some clean(ish) clothes in his small, cluttered room, deciding to just wear his favorite yellow hoodie and some light grey sweatpants, but deciding he should probably rinse off the stickiness first or the rest fo the night would be very uncomfortable, and thought, hey, im still wearing underwear! it should be fine, right? Nothing the guy hasn't seen before! and walked out to go to the bathroom.

Ed, hearing the door open again, peaked out from in front of the couch where he was cleaning, eying Ling, in all his neon pineapple printed underwear-ed glory, and said "Oh, so you just had to one up me, huh?"

"Wha-no I just, I gotta go rinse off, but I already took- y'know what, it's not important, im just like... really sticky. Even my hair is sticky." He held out a bit of it to confirm it was, in fact, sticky as fuck.

"Oh, yeah sorry about that, that was pretty uncool of me, y'know, spitting soda on you" Ed looked away sheepishly, embarrassed that it happened at all.

"It's chill man, im gonna go take a quick shower though, so uh, yeah." He trailed off, not sure why he suddenly felt awkward.

"Alright have fun," Ed said, resuming his cleaning. "not TOO much fun though, don’t go clogging our drains now." He added casually, ducking behind the couch to hide his grin.

"Oh my god-  _SHUT THE FUCK UP!_ " Ling squawked back, remembering when that actually happened the first year they lived there, it was the most mortifying day of both their lives, honestly. Though, let's be real. That was a group effort. He shook his head, trying not to think about _that_ nasty shit anymore, put his clean clothes on the countertop so they would be safe and dry, and got into the shower, thankfully remembering to take off his underwear first. (another embarrassing fuckup memory he doesn’t wanna explore right now, he's got a _lot_ of those. _Hmm._ )

-

Back in the living room, Ed had to sit through an entire impromptu shower version of "Paper Gangsta" by Lady Gaga. _Twice._

"god his music taste really fuckin' sucks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love that song rn and tbh i feel like he would too, but maybe im projecting, who knows  
> anyway i hope y'all liked it! hopefully it was worth the wait lol  
> if you have any (constructive) criticism or advice i'd love to hear bc i wanna do better! and just ykno, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated as always


End file.
